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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
You know you're getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
Marriage is Grand.... Divorce is 20 Grand.
The difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?... Lipstick.
Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."
Wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now...
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Don't ask the question if you can't live with the answer.
Write all complaints legibly in this space: ( )
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A:
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
They Say A Man Gets Hit By A Car In New York Every Ten Minutes. He's Got To Be Getting Tired Of That By Now!
You Know I've Been
Trying To Get A Picture Of My Wife For Two Weeks Now? I Just Can't Find A
Camera Fast Enough To Catch Her With Her Mouth Shut!
Why
Do Fiddle Players Pick On Banjo Pickers? Cause They Can’t Pick On Their
Fiddles.
What Does A Banjo Player Do When Asked To Give Me A Five? He Says No Get Your Own Banjo
Hey Did You Forget About That Five Bucks You Owe Me? No, but Give Me Time.
My Friends Wife Just Turned 40 and He Didn’t Like Her Anymore So He Traded Her In For Two Twenties
A husband looking
through the paper came upon a study that said
women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that
he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too
much, he showed her the study results. It read that on average
"Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000".
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say".
The husband said, "What?"
Did
you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
Two
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but, when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once again that:
You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
"Friends don't Let Friends play fast....
Now, I'm not opposed to speed; I play fast myself. Sometimes, I play very
fast. But I'm against sloppy, awkward, excessive, unnecessary speed, which
is toxic to music. An overabundance of notes can flow into measures like
an oil spill into a river, clogging and choking the life out of the
music." Artie
Traum
Q:
How do you get a banjo picker off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way
Bill Monroe would have done it.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
"Where words fail, music
speaks."
Hans Christian Andersen